Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.