Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
🤣
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.