her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Most fashion shows these days…
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month