ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.