Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
man: wait
time: no
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.