If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
getting groceries
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.