I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.