A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.