me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.