Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.