*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Taliband
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”