wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Finished stitching this today 😇
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u