“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Ugh
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.