My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.