[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married