How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children