Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
You Might Also Like
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD