The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You Might Also Like
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
“I’m helping” 😅
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?