I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Lmao the reply
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
You learn something every day
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.