crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
peep davidson
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.