Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.