My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
You Might Also Like
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
ugh not again
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*