If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
You Might Also Like
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.