writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.