[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
You Might Also Like
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Don’t make me out nice you.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?