Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
he chose this
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Optional boss fight.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.