The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Weighing up my bread heating options
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache