So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?