I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?