I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
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For the baby who has everything
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.