The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.