Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.