[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
You Might Also Like
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?