[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF