Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Sorry not sorry.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today