Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared