I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty