Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?