for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My flabber has been gasted.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.