I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
You Might Also Like
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.