The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.