Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…