(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
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adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Story of my life…..
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.