Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Spell check is for lasers.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.