I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
having children is a pyramid scheme.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese