Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food