Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.