I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
You Might Also Like
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen