You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.