Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Ok but actually
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
This week’s mood.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.